Elton John told us that 'sorry seems to be the hardest word'. I would agree that for some of us, apologies don't roll off the tongue easily. But I'll save that for another day. Today, I wanted to look at why the word 'no' can be the hardest word of all. And why the act of saying 'no' can leave us feeling guilty or stressed or anxious. Maybe this resonates with you, or perhaps it doesn't. After all, our society welcomes the idea of being helpful, useful, accommodating and productive. And this is where we can start to identify a difficulty with saying 'no'. If we are driven to fix, to rescue, to look after, to be useful, then chances are that we often say 'yes' even if we don't really want to. Even if saying 'yes' puts us at a disadvantage or leads us into a stressful situation.
So how can we start saying 'no' without the guilt? It starts with a simple word.
It’s not a magic word. But it’s a word that can help us to understand our thought process.
And that word is? Because.
Take a deep breath. And say to yourself, ‘I struggle to say no, because …’. Even better, write it down.
See what comes next. Do any of these sound familiar?
I’m worried I will look incompetent or incapable
I’m frightened that people won’t like me
I don’t think that anyone else will do as good a job as me
If I don’t do it then I will feel guilty
It’s part of my identity. I don’t know who I would be if I wasn’t always offering to help, to rescue, to fix
I don't like it when I don't have anything to do
Many of us will recognise one, or several, of the thoughts that are on this list. And this is where we start to understand that our helpful, useful behaviour may be built on a foundation of fear or worry. About being liked, being productive, being 'good enough'. You may also notice a physical sensation when you think about saying 'no'. It might feel uncomfortable or awkward. But now that you understand it, you can be curious about where it might come from. These behaviours often stem from messages that we absorbed when we were growing up. About what we needed to do, in order to be liked or accepted. And they can lead to low self-esteem, people-pleasing, a fear of rejection or perfectionism or being alone with our thoughts.
So now that we have recognised these behaviours, what can we do about them?
Tuning into our triggers. Is it always difficult to say no? Or is there a specific environment or relationship that triggers these feelings? This can help us to think about how we can bolster our confidence in these particular instances. And importantly, it can help us to be curious about the roots of our inability to say no. Does the environment or the relationship hold a meaning that presses down hard on our insecurity? Does it remind us of something from our past - an element we often refer to as 'transference'.
Picking up on our physical sensations. What happens in your body when you find yourself stuck in an unwilling 'yes-man' posture? Maybe your face grows hot, perhaps your stomach tightens, maybe your head begins to ache. When we notice our physical sensations, we can consider soothing techniques such as breathing exercises (my favourite is 'five finger breathing') to help us stay more grounded and in control.
Listening to our internal voice. This can become helpful once we have established the fear or worry that forms the foundation of our thinking. For example, perhaps we have realised that we find it hard to say 'no' because we are worried that people won't like us. And this worry may form part of our internal voice. This type of internal voice forms as a way to protect us. So we shouldn't discount it, suppress it, or try to ignore it. Instead, we can begin to untangle it. To understand why it has formed, and to think about how we can reassure ourselves when it becomes activated.
Find low-stakes ways to practise saying 'no'. It can make it easier if we start small. If we try to find moments in our day when we would say 'yes' to small tasks or plans without even noticing.
These tips are just some snippets that might be help. Learning how to say 'no' - well, understanding that it's ok to say 'no' - isn't always an easy process. And this is where counselling can be so helpful. In therapy, we can understand how we behave, where it comes from, and we can consider how to become more confident in saying 'no'. And ultimately, get better at putting ourselves first.
Keen to explore more? In counselling, we can take a deeper look at how you feel about yourself. Click here to contact me, or click here to book a 30-minute introductory call.
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