Nurturing our relationships is something that takes time, energy, and conscious effort. And this can be challenging at the best of times. But when we start a family, and become parents, sometimes our relationship can slip to the bottom of the priority list. And when it comes to parenting decisions, we might find ourselves entering into new territory, into conflict or difficulties in communication. I was asked to offer some tips on this for GoodtoKnow, a website that offers parenting advice for every stage of family life. This was based on some research that suggests that parenting and relationships are harder than ever before to navigate. Click here to read the full article, and read on to learn what I had to say.
Voicing our feelings. If we are feeling judged, it can be helpful to voice our feelings. But this isn’t always easy. If we are feeling anxious or angry then our words might spill out in an aggressive or defensive way. This can escalate a situation, rather than defusing it. It can be helpful to take some time out to explore our feelings first. To more closely examine this sense of ‘being judged’. Does it relate to specific parenting decisions or dilemmas? Is it a more general feeling that relates to the way that we parent together? Is it mixed up with other, more complex feelings of judgment or criticism? Once we know what’s going on, it can make it easier to consider voicing our feelings to our spouse. And when we do voice them, it can be more effective if we use ‘I statements’ in order to share how we are feeling, rather than laying accusations on the other person.
Finding the moment. Everyone deals with conflict differently. And as busy parents, it might feel difficult to find the right time to address what’s going on. But it’s really important to find a time and a place to deal with what’s going on. When we are both feeling calm. And when we have enough time to talk through our own perspectives, and to listen to each other. It’s also important to try to have these conversations when the children are not present. This means that we will be less distracted, and more able to speak freely and honestly.
Moving forward. When we decide to get married and have children, it isn’t a given that we will have the same views and approaches towards parenting. And even once we have bitten the bullet, and talked about our challenges, we might still find ourselves at an impasse. If that’s the case, consider together how you can reach a compromise on elements of parenting. Perhaps it’s about meeting in the middle. Perhaps it’s about trying one approach and seeing whether it works, and then evaluating together. These negotiations can help us to feel more like a team. And this sense of unity means that when things go wrong, we can work together to solve any challenges, rather than feeling judged by the other person.
Keen to explore more? In counselling we can take a deeper look at how you feel about yourself, and your relationships with those around you. Click here to contact me, or click here to book a 30-minute introductory call.
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