When a relationship ends in divorce, we can experience a whole range of feelings. Some might feel understandable, some might feel unexplained, and some might hit us like a bolt out of the blue. I spoke to Happiful all about the emotional impact of divorce. And I offered some tips for looking after our mental health, while navigating the process of divorce. Click here to read the full article, and read on to hear what I had to say.
The emotional impact of divorce.
Uncertainty about the future. As we go through life, we subconsciously build a picture of an imagined future. Our family, our home, our work, our relationships. And like any major change or loss, divorce brings a level of uncertainty to how we imagine our future to be. We might feel frightened or worried about the future. We might feel excited or empowered. But either way, this new uncertainty can be unsettling and anxiety-inducing. And there can be a sense of grief or loss for our marriage and relationship.
Changing identity. A marriage builds itself into our sense of identity. How society sees us and how we see ourselves. So when divorce brings a change to our ‘marital status’ it can also mean a change in our own sense of identity. We might feel lost or confused about ‘who we are’ in this new and different phase of our life.
Being single and loneliness. If we are used to being part of a couple, then divorce might leave us feeling lonely. And whether or not we are ready to consider meeting someone new, this process might also feel scary or intimidating.
Other people’s judgements. Although a divorce is fundamentally about the two people within the marriage, there’s a ripple effect on those around us. It might have a direct impact on our relatives - especially children - and close friends. And there’s also potentially a sense that we are being judged or talked about by the other people in our lives. And we can become weighed down by the concerns or judgements of other people - real or imagined - adding to our worries. This can have an impact on our self-esteem. It can lead to embarrassment about the situation, and even a sense of shame about ourselves.
Coping with conflict. Some divorces are treated amicably by both parties. But conflict can also feature. Disputes about the practical side of things - financial concerns, parenting issues. And also emotional conflict, as frustration, anger or jealousy emerges. Conflict can trigger all kinds of fears and worries, and can make a stressful situation feel even more overwhelming.
Managing your mental health while navigating divorce
Allow yourself to grieve. Regardless of the circumstances, divorce marks a transition in our lives. This can lead to a feeling of grief or loss, even if we are content with the outcome. Allow yourself to notice and acknowledge this grief, and consider how you might need to voice it or mark it in some way.
Find your people. Divorce can feel like a lonely journey, even if we are surrounded by well-meaning friends and family. Make sure you know who you can rely on in your everyday life, for the different things that you might need. The people who really want us to be happy, without imposing their own agenda. Practical support, emotional support, companionship, all the elements of our relationships and friendships that can help us to cope. It can also be helpful to connect with support groups, and communities of other people who might have walked the path that we are walking now.
Think about your ’self’. When we go through the process of divorce, it can make us question ‘who we are’. We can end up feeling lost or disconnected from the shared identity that we have built during our marriage. So it’s important to take time to get to know ourselves again. To remind ourselves of what makes us feel grounded and happy. To consider trying new things or building new connections. To nurture our ’self’ in this new phase of our life.
Remember that we can’t control what other people think. When a relationship ends, we can become overwhelmed by thoughts or worries about what other people might be thinking. But the reality is that this is simply out of our control. What matters is how we feel. And this is why it’s important to build and maintain healthy boundaries so that other people’s judgements don’t enter into our own judgements about ourselves.
Keen to explore more? In counselling we can take a deeper look at how you feel about yourself, and your relationships with those around you. Click here to contact me, or click here to book a 30-minute introductory call.
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