We don't have to know someone to feel a sense of grief or loss at the news of their death.
This rang so true this week for everyone who has been touched and saddened by the news of Liam Payne's death. I spoke to Harper's Bazaar all about the complicated nature of grief and 'parasocial relationships'. Click here to read the full article, or read on to hear what I had to say on the subject.
Parasocial relationships are the connections that we have with people who we don’t actually know, but who we experience some kind of connection with. It could be someone who we see in our daily life, or it could be a celebrity or someone in the public eye. Even if we don’t know them, there’s a sense of interest and connection and investment in their actions. A sense of joy and pride in their achievements, or a sense of sadness or distress if something bad happens. We might even hold a - conscious or subconscious - ‘fantasy’ about them.
If we don't know someone, why can we end up feeling such a profound sense of loss when they die?
We often feel invested in the life and career of a celebrity, especially if they have grown up on screen. There’s a sense of intimacy that comes with watching them develop and grow. And there’s a shared sense of connection too, if we are a ‘fan’ of the celebrity, and if we share our emotions with other fans. We also often assume a certain level of immortality around celebrities. So when they die so suddenly and so young, it can shake our sense of safety and security.
Since Covid, we all spend much more time interacting and connecting through our devices. The WHO has declared a loneliness pandemic, and many people are directing their sense of lonelines and anxiety into building online and parasocial relationships. And so we might feel as if we are somehow more connected with the celebrities that we see on screen. Social media and our rolling news feeds allow us an intimate level of access into their lives and movements.
Parasocial grief can be even more powerful and prevalent when it becomes a communal experience. This is partly because it tends to involve high-profile people who many people care about. It can also be because when grief becomes a public and communal experience, it’s as if that communal experience allows us permission. Permission to talk about our grief and to share it with each other.
And if we have lost someone who created art or music or other parts of our cultural heritage, we might feel a sense of ‘cultural loss’, almost like a communal feeling of regret. Regret and sadness for the cultural works and joy that we have missed out on. There’s no way round this, as we can’t possibly even try to imagine what they might have produced in the future - although perhaps that’s something that AI might attempt to deliver one day - so instead, perhaps we can focus on enjoying the body of work that they produced while they were alive.
What's the best way to manage this type of grief and shock?
Allow ourselves to feel it. We have lost someone who felt meaningful to us, even if they weren’t in our everyday lives. Draw on our support network.
Grief is a very personal process, and there’s no one way or ‘best’ way to try to make sense of our loss. We might want to find a way to honour or commemorate the person who we have lost.
It’s natural and normal for grief to weigh heavily on us. To ebb and flow in and out of our consciousness. But if our parasocial grief starts to impact heavily on our daily lives, then it’s worth seeking some extra support.
Keen to explore more? In counselling we can take a deeper look at how you feel about yourself. Click here to contact me, or click here to book a 30-minute introductory call.
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